Before I am anything, I am a Mom. Those who love and know me, know that I am Mom first and foremost. A faithful and spiritual Mom. A Mom who has endured many life circumstances that easily offered me reason to detour from my strong faith.
At one point, quite an extended point, that was the case. I gave up all faith and never thought twice about God. I lived my life according to my desires, with no regard to anyone or anything. I was in this existence alone, and I acted accordingly. I became a violent, mean, selfish thief. I guarded my heart with a wall that nothing could penetrate. I was negative and trusted no one. This left me alone often and in deep pits that no light could find. It was becoming a Mom that would lead me to seek God, openly seek Him.
Deegan was born on Christmas Eve, 2007. My first born. I had prayed, to a God I didn’t know at the time, that this baby miraculously growing inside me would join me before Christmas. You can imagine as Christmas Eve rolled around that my hope in this entity fulfilling my prayer was diluted. But shortly after 4 pm on Christmas Eve I was able to see his perfect face, and hold him in my loving arms.
Deegan was a particularly sick boy from day one. It wasn’t until he was three months old that I would learn it was much worse than I anticipated, and five months old that I would receive final confirmation of his “disorder”. More reason to be a non-believer. When the threat of Deegan being put on pharmaceutical formula, and removed all-together from the breast, I prayed once again. This time making the silly and desperate promise that I would devote myself to God, if only he would HELP ME! Everything that I needed to happen, did. Perfectly. (Duh).
The journey that began with infinite questions, and much doubt, led to a change in me that was undeniable, and that no previous medication, counseling, relationship, or self-help book could provoke.
That change was tested this July 3rd. I had spent the day shopping for camping materials, and slaving over a stove with all burners roaring. We were preparing to leave for Hershey Park the following morning. We were about twelve hours away from departure when Deegan suddenly became extremely ill. He had instantaneously produced all the symptoms that required his routine hospitalization. I recognized just as instantly that our trip was no longer.
It was in this weakness that Christ was strengthened in me. My faith kicked in, and I chose joy over pity, peace over anger, and praise over bitterness. I didn’t focus on Deegan’s “disorder” but on his healing. I didn’t focus on the missed vacation, but planned a vacation in a new location.
Our July 4th may not have brought freedom in an amusement park, but we were free in the confined hospital room. I brought my warrior a bedside picnic, his favorite movies, and his favorite books. We prayed before our afternoon picnic that we would be favored with fireworks over the hills outside our window, and perhaps a lightening show also. Deegan LOVES fireworks, and the thing that hurt my heart most was that he would be missing some spectacular ones that Hershey displayed. The fireworks were the sole reason for this chosen holiday destination.
We spent our afternoon, in the hospital, laughing, talking, and cuddling. We watched movies together, in bed. We read, A LOT! We both love books. When the sun had gone down we asked our kind nurse for two cups of ice cream, put in Toy Story 3 (for prob the fourth time), and faithfully watched out over the dark hills for lights in the night sky. The clouds were many, but so were the clear colors from distant fireworks. Our night was complete. We laughed loudly as our favor was shone in the night sky. We witnessed both firework and lightening flashes as we devoured our ice cream. It may not have been what we had planned, but we had the freedom to make the best of exactly where we were.
If the only thing my faith brings me is this change in attitude, I will forever praise the source of my faith. As once, I would have went into complete bitch mode and threw the biggest pity party anyone has witnessed, I now have a faith that produces contentment with the day and it’s wonderful and welcomed surprises. Plans are destroyed, our blessings robbed, but faith will forever remain! There is nothing, but our own freedoms, that can rob us of faith. The fruit that my supernatural faith produces abounds in goodness. I will forever hold fast to FAITH!
Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in ALL things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME! Philippians 4:11-13
Grace, Peace, and Love from Mommy and Sonshine! 🙂